About This Paper
The Squatch is the newspaper of record for Vancouver, Clark County, and the Columbia River Gorge, a distinction it awarded itself and has never been able to confirm. It covers the overlooked south-of-the-river shoulder of the Portland metro with the flat gravity that region deserves: a Battle Ground zoning dispute and a Bigfoot sighting receive identical treatment, because to this newsroom they are identical events — reported, contested, and ultimately unverifiable.
Our editorial standard is simple. Every story is a sighting. No sighting has ever been substantiated. We publish anyway, because the news does not wait for evidence, and neither do we.
The newsroom operates from an undisclosed location in the tree line east of Washougal, under the protection of Skamania County Ordinance 69-01, which since 1969 has made it genuinely, verifiably illegal to harm a Sasquatch. It is the only fact this paper has ever printed with total confidence.
The Newsroom
- The Squatch Editor-in-Chief
- Has covered this region since before it had a name. Declines all requests for comment, citing an ongoing situation in the watershed.
- Marsh Pendleton Sightings Desk
- General assignment. Has never successfully photographed anything.
- B.F. Patterson Investigations
- Every investigation to date has concluded the same way: inconclusive, pending clearer footage.
- Dot Klickitat Gorge Patrol
- Files from a fire lookout at an undisclosed elevation. Knows what the wind is doing before the windsurfers do.
- Wade Salmon-Creek County Desk & Bridge Watch
- Has attended 340 consecutive public meetings. Remembers when the bridge replacement was young.
- The Thunderbird Weather & Tremors
- Communicates exclusively in distant booms. Stories transcribed by the desk.
The Fine Print
The Squatch is satire. Everything published here is parody and fiction. Stories are invented; quotes are invented; the people quoted are invented. Real public institutions, public officials, and public events appear only as subjects of commentary and parody, and nothing written about them is an assertion of fact. No real private individual is depicted. The Squatch is published by Squeaky Chicken Creative and is not affiliated with any actual newspaper, government agency, or large nocturnal primate — a denial the large nocturnal primate has asked us to strengthen.
Press inquiries may be shouted into the tree line east of Washougal at dusk. Response times vary. Responses vary. Whether there was a response varies.